Goodbye

Barokko was euthanized yesterday afternoon.

I spent some time with him alone in the pasture in the morning. M came a couple of hours before we were going to leave, and we brought him up to the barn, where we gave him the biggest bucketful of carrots, apples, and horse treats he'd ever seen in his life :)

We groomed him thoroughly while we reminisced about some of the many great experiences we'd had with him. I only had him for 2 1/2 years, and he was ill for a considerable amount of that time, but still I have so many good memories.

When the transporter came he was a bit sceptical as was his norm. Walked up close to the loading ramp, and then planted all 4 feet and 600 + kg in the ground and looked at M at the other end of the lead rope as if to say "Make me." He did this every single time we loaded him, he was never nervous or jumpy about it, went right up to the ramp, and then just settled in for a while. After a couple of minutes of chilling in front of the truck he decided the oh, OK why not, and walked calmly up.

Besides M and me, my husband and I. also came up to the clinic to say goodbye to him. We were there almost 2 hours before our appointment with the vet, which gave I. a chance to spend some time with him, and spoil him with treats. My husband also took a bunch of photos of him.

When the vet came, he started by running us through step by step what he was going to do, and what the effect would be on Barokko. I gave him one last apple, and while he was chewing on it he was given a sedative in the stall. Barokko was very sensitive to sedatives, and was always given pony-doses when he was sedated for exams ;) Within moments he was heavily sedated, and paid no attention whatsoever as the vet inserted a catheter in his jugular vein. We then lead him outside - very very slowly!

We lead him to a quiet corner at the back of the stable. I lead him out, but the vet didn't want me holding him during the actual euthanasia - at first I was a little taken aback by it, he was my horse, I wanted to be the one to hold him as it happened, but then I remembered my big belly and lack of mobility... So my husband took over the lead rope.

An overdose of barbituates was administered via the jugular catheter. Barokko fell within 15-20 seconds. He didn't fight the meds at all, and there was no doubt whatsoever that he was unconscious as he fell. He took only a couple more breaths. After about a minute the vet checked for a heartbeat, and found none. During the next minute or so there were a few muscle twitches, and then he was still.

The vet didn't want me close just yet, but let M go up to Barokko's head for a few minutes, before checking for a pulse one last time. When he had confirmed that it was over he gathered the syringes etc, and left us alone with Barokko.

It was over very quickly and smoothly, and at no point did it appear that Barokko was at all stressed or nervous, he went very peacefully.

Some people prefer not to be present at their horse's euthanasia, but I found great comfort in witnessing it. Now I know exactly how it happened, and my imagination doesn't need to fill in any blanks.

We stayed with him for a while, saying our final goodbyes, and were then able to leave with a sense of closure.

I still have many tears left to shed, but I feel at ease.



Goodbye Barokko.